Too much Structure
not enough magic
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It’s tempting to want to escape from your problems. Groan-ups face them, they don’t run away. Is it possible to run away though? I mean without hurting anyone, without being a shirker of responsibility?
When I was a young mother I became suicidal. I wanted to run away. I very much wanted my children to be loved and cared for, but I was depressed and didn’t feel capable of it. However, there was no one else, so I stayed and did what I could. It was hard, but I learned a few tricks.
That was a long time ago. Now I’ve got the urge to run again. Like I married the wrong man or something, except I’m not married. I’m lucky and free but I don’t FEEL it.
Back in the suicidal days of young motherhood I ended up in the hospital a few times. In the 90's, hospital psych wards employed art therapists. Oh wonderful: paints, glue, paper, scissors, freedom. Art therapy was a revelation, a way to feel and express what I could not say in words.
I discovered how angry I was — at being sacrificed. Obviously there was a part of me that did NOT want to die. But I also felt sacrificed in life as I was living it, never getting to do what I wanted to do, always trying to live up to my idea of a responsible adult, and always failing.
Gradually I made changes in my approach to motherhood — instead of trying to force my children to be what I was conditioned to think they ought to be, I began observing and asking questions to find out what they each were wanting to do. Then all I had to do was stand by to help them do it. Tap into their energy, stop exhausting mine. It was pretty messy, but we all made it out of the nuclear experience alive.
Strange to find I am feeling this feeling again, so many years later. I bought an old house that has quickly turned into a headache, a very needy building. I’ve been trying to force myself to be a responsible home owner, but it’s not fun, not really what I want to be…
